Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows...

...as Josie once said.

When I blog I feel like I should keep things light and fluffy. No one wants to read a gloomy, doomy blog do they? But I guess some days that is all you know and you still need to get it off your chest... so I am sorry in advance.

For the past year I have hated university. I didn't particularly like the course, or the people for that matter and the city? Well... if anyone can try and tell why, oh why, I actually decided to ONLY apply for Salford I would be most grateful. So I guess I have been a little miserable and I always looked forward to coming home.

So now I am home and things seem worse. My neice and nephew live with us full time which of course means that I sleep on the sofa and that is where I shall stay until mid-september. My parents are stressed and penniless. They argue, which is something I am not used to. I had a great family life when I was young. To see my Mum so upset and broken the way she is absolutely kills me.

I can feel myself slipping. I've had depression before and I'm worried about how I am feeling. I always say I want to be fixed but I have no idea how to do it.

Last year in april I weighed the heaviest in my life so far. I think I had just accepted the way I was and although I was not really happy with myself I had built a fake confidence wall around myself and tried to act happy and carefree. I look back on some of the pictures I took of myself, I wore my fake eyelashes and my hair extensions, and I like the way I looked. Of course, this was mainly on pictures I had taken myself from a well chosen angle.
During this month I attended a party where I proceeded to drink four and half bottles of wine to myself, my friend Gazz said it was cheaper for a bottle than a glass and I didn't complain as I sank glass after glass. The 'Time Warp' came on which made me want a little dance, without having to stand up I just sat down and chair boogied. That night I also slipped off my stillettos and landed on the wet dancefloor as Gazz tried to whirl me around to 'Footloose' and damaged my ankle rather spectacularly. To my horror, four people were each capturing this car crash on their mobile phones and it wasn't until I saw it the next day I knew something needed to be done.

I joined a slimming group called 'Lighter Life' which promised to be different from every other weightloss group around and I tell you, it was. £66 a week and not a crumb of food enabled me to lose five and a half stone in three months. It was hard work but I was over the moon with the weightloss. When I started to introduce food back into my diet my hair began to fall out, in handfuls. I had to carry a plastic carrier bag around the house and pick up my clumps of hair. My nails were brittle, my skin was dry and I began to experience pains in my chest which was rather terrifying. It was awful.

Like I said, I was over the moon with the weight I had lost and for the first time in a very long time I was happy with the way I looked on pictures that other people had taken. The strange thing was the confidence I lost with my weight. I guess I'm not too good with change and maybe it was this sudden loss of weight that brought down my wall and my fake confidence. No sooner than I had lost the weight did it begin to creep back on again. I tried to keep healthy whilst I was at uni but it just felt like the weight was determined to come back no matter what. I havn't put all of it back on but a fair amount of it. Another sudden change and my confidence has dropped further and now I don't know how to bring it back. I want to be like I used to be... but I just feel lost. I would never dare look at anyone in a flirty way anymore because I feel so insecure, I can't beleive that anyone would be interested in me right now.

I know how silly it is to think in this way and all that kind of stuff, but it is not so easy to just start being happy and positive and I think I need some help getting back to normal.

I've ran out of steam for now...
Sorry for the gloom.

Love and cake
Rai CupcakeFace
xoxo