Life isn't all sunshine and rainbows...

...as Josie once said.

When I blog I feel like I should keep things light and fluffy. No one wants to read a gloomy, doomy blog do they? But I guess some days that is all you know and you still need to get it off your chest... so I am sorry in advance.

For the past year I have hated university. I didn't particularly like the course, or the people for that matter and the city? Well... if anyone can try and tell why, oh why, I actually decided to ONLY apply for Salford I would be most grateful. So I guess I have been a little miserable and I always looked forward to coming home.

So now I am home and things seem worse. My neice and nephew live with us full time which of course means that I sleep on the sofa and that is where I shall stay until mid-september. My parents are stressed and penniless. They argue, which is something I am not used to. I had a great family life when I was young. To see my Mum so upset and broken the way she is absolutely kills me.

I can feel myself slipping. I've had depression before and I'm worried about how I am feeling. I always say I want to be fixed but I have no idea how to do it.

Last year in april I weighed the heaviest in my life so far. I think I had just accepted the way I was and although I was not really happy with myself I had built a fake confidence wall around myself and tried to act happy and carefree. I look back on some of the pictures I took of myself, I wore my fake eyelashes and my hair extensions, and I like the way I looked. Of course, this was mainly on pictures I had taken myself from a well chosen angle.
During this month I attended a party where I proceeded to drink four and half bottles of wine to myself, my friend Gazz said it was cheaper for a bottle than a glass and I didn't complain as I sank glass after glass. The 'Time Warp' came on which made me want a little dance, without having to stand up I just sat down and chair boogied. That night I also slipped off my stillettos and landed on the wet dancefloor as Gazz tried to whirl me around to 'Footloose' and damaged my ankle rather spectacularly. To my horror, four people were each capturing this car crash on their mobile phones and it wasn't until I saw it the next day I knew something needed to be done.

I joined a slimming group called 'Lighter Life' which promised to be different from every other weightloss group around and I tell you, it was. £66 a week and not a crumb of food enabled me to lose five and a half stone in three months. It was hard work but I was over the moon with the weightloss. When I started to introduce food back into my diet my hair began to fall out, in handfuls. I had to carry a plastic carrier bag around the house and pick up my clumps of hair. My nails were brittle, my skin was dry and I began to experience pains in my chest which was rather terrifying. It was awful.

Like I said, I was over the moon with the weight I had lost and for the first time in a very long time I was happy with the way I looked on pictures that other people had taken. The strange thing was the confidence I lost with my weight. I guess I'm not too good with change and maybe it was this sudden loss of weight that brought down my wall and my fake confidence. No sooner than I had lost the weight did it begin to creep back on again. I tried to keep healthy whilst I was at uni but it just felt like the weight was determined to come back no matter what. I havn't put all of it back on but a fair amount of it. Another sudden change and my confidence has dropped further and now I don't know how to bring it back. I want to be like I used to be... but I just feel lost. I would never dare look at anyone in a flirty way anymore because I feel so insecure, I can't beleive that anyone would be interested in me right now.

I know how silly it is to think in this way and all that kind of stuff, but it is not so easy to just start being happy and positive and I think I need some help getting back to normal.

I've ran out of steam for now...
Sorry for the gloom.

Love and cake
Rai CupcakeFace
xoxo

Rowntree's Randoms Story...

I recently discovered the jelly-shaped fun that is Rowntree's Randoms.

The adverts are hilarious and so I bought a packet today to cheer myself up and decided to make up my own story based on the randoms I find.

It was Monday and the yellow face in the sun was drinking from his old school beer mug. He casually dipped his fingers into the blue sea below testing the temperature of the water, it was warm enough to fill up his jelly teapot. An orange boat floated by calmly as the red footed men played table tennis whilst chewing on red sweeties. The yellow face in the sun smiled to himself as he saw the monkey licking on his ice cream whilst balancing on his orange bicycle. He was proud of his earth.

Not as funny as the adverts but it amused me.

Have a Sunny day
Even if it's raining.

Love and cakes.
Rai CupcakeFace
xoxo

Because I heart books mostest...

I adore watching movies, I adore chocolate and cakes but nothing can beat the feeling of becoming fully submerged in an amazing book. That is why I decided to fill in this booky quiz which I stole of the fabulous Miss Lisa Clark of course... here we go...

1. What author do you own the most books by?
I buy books so much faster than I can read them and although I have many books, the two authors to dominate my reading lists are Lisa Clark and Sarra Manning.

2. What book do you own the most copies of?
At the moment I don't have duplicates of any of my reads. But over the past year or so I have bought 4 copies of Think Pink by Lisa Clark.

3. Did it bother you that both those questions ended with prepositions?
Well I actually just googled 'prepositions' to find out what it meant and... it still doesn't make too much sense to me. Oh well...

4. What fictional character are you secretly in love with?
I don't want to be cliche and say Edward from Twilight (although it is totes true) so instead I may go for Hunter in Cate Tiernan's Wicca series - crisp, english accent, powerful witch and Morgan's soul mate *swoon* - and Dylan from Sarra Manning's Diary of a Crush. Sarra Manning has this great way of breaking my heart with every book she writes, she somehow forces me to fall in love with these toxic boy characters she creates and then... ugh!!

5. What book have you read the most times in your life?
This is a tough one, I can't seem to remember. Off the top of my head I would say the Wicca series by Cate Tiernan but I am stuck, there are two books I just cannot find so I can't complete the series!!!!
Oh, and The Life and Loves of a She-Devil by Fey Weldon!

6. Favorite book as a ten year old?
I remember having an amazing yet slightly bizarre primary school teacher who used to gather us on the mats for story time and read Jill Murphy's Worst Witch books to us. She carried a black cat hand puppet in a satchel and she would make it peer over the books as she read. I love the Worst Witch books.

7. What is the worst book you’ve read in the past year?
I went into Waterstone's recently and there was a certain author selling her books and signing them... she pounced on my parentals and I and practically forced us to buy her book. She signed it for me but to be honest, it doesn't look at all appealing, even the front cover. It's meant to be a kids book too!! So technically I guess I havn't actually read a bad book...

8. What is the best book you’ve read in the past year?
Gotta admit that I am storming through the Twilight saga at the moment. I adore it.
Party Monster by James St. James was also amazing. I was shocked by how much I loved his writing style.

9. If you could force everyone you know to read one book, what would it be?
Think Pink by Lisa Clark and The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon. Two amazing books.

10. What book would you most like to see made into a movie?
Wow... the Wicca series, Guitar Girl by Sarra Manning, Curious Incident by Mark Haddon, my own story that I am writing at the moment.

11. What is the most difficult book you’ve ever read?

12. What is your favorite book?
At this very moment I am not at all sure I can choose one. I just adore my book collection and frequently pick different books to read depending on my mood.

13. Play?
hmm... Closer by Patrick Marber. I love Joe Orton's stuff (including his diaries). Having studied Performing Arts for years it is truly shocking that I can't think of any others... I think I am doing the right thing swapping courses.

14. Poem?
My plan is to start reading a hell of a lot more poetry. But someone once told me that my poetry reminded them of Carol Ann Duffy which made me happy.

15. Essay?
essay??

16. Who is the most overrated writer alive today?
Um... I don't know.

17. What is your desert island book?
I would have to pick quite a few books to take with me. And some materials so that I could write my own stuff too.

18. And . . . what are you reading right now?
At the moment I am three quaters of the way through Eclipse, the third Twilight book and I have Breaking Dawn ready and waiting. I am also about to re-read Think Pink because I need to find myself again and be happy. And I need to start reading more poetry.

I also have three audiobooks on my iPod ready to be heard... do they count??

Well, that was fun.

Love and Peas.
CupcakeFace
xoxo