Creating a Love that isn't real...

Have you ever developed a crush on someone you didn't even know?
I do it a lot.

On my birthday I met a boyshape and somehow ending up exchanging numbers with him. Couldn't believe my luck. We text a lot over the next couple of days but then it ended. He stopped replying.

I text him a few weeks ago to wish him Happy New Year but he didn't know who I was. He obviously deleted my number.

I just started up a new blog elsewhere (Sorry Blogspot) and I imported my hotmail contacts only to discover he has a blog there also. After a quick peek and learning that he is in a band, sings and writes poetry...I feel crushy all over again but how do you crush on a stranger without seeming like a big fat stalker...?
I guess I shall just have to ignore him forever.

Love and Robots.
xoxo

And So You're Back...From Outer Space...

Yes, that's right...I'm back in the mos glorious city in the world!!

Oh no, wait...I'm in Salford.

Christmas is over and once again I have chosen to leave my family behind and live in a murky, damp infused flat in this glum city. I must admit, it does look a little nicer covered in eight inches of snow but overall...it's still Salford.

Expect more frequent updates from me now, including the journey of my new diet... ooh, how exciting!

But for now, I must sign off...I need to tidy.

Love and snowflakes.
xxx

4am and I can't sleep...

It's 4am and I cant sleep. The room is too dark to worry about perfect typing and punctuation right now so please excuse me for that.

I keep worrying. Worrying about strange things that have never occured to me before until just now...
it has always been a dream of mine to live in Brighton, I adore the place and always have since my first visit when I was 4. It has never come to mind that I would not live there after university.
However, now I am getting older I have started to become incredibly over-protective of my mum and find it harder and harder to leave her. When I have a baby (in around 6 years) I want her to be there all the time, helping me, looking after us both. But If I am living at the bottom of the country, how is that going to be possible? Now I'm lying in bed thinking what I can do...let's move the whole family down to Brighton just so my parents can be there to look after me. But I'm an adult now, I have to look after myself. But I don't want to abandon my mum, she needs me and I need her. I need Vati too but I guess mums are different in a way, you can't leave them.

Anyway, I've rambled it down for now so it's out there and maybe I can sleep for a while. I'm so tired.

Goodnight.
xx

Christmas is coming...

I've been home for the weekend for a family party and it was so good walk into the toasty living room and see the decorations up.
I'm going back to Salford for the next four or five days and then I break up for Christmas for three whole weeks!

Three weeks which will be packed full of revising, reading, writing and band practices among other fun activities. Yay!

I'm also planning on setting some resolutions this year and actually making a massive effort to stick to them too.

This was just a quick update. Hope you are all well. Have a good week!

Love and Buttons,
Rai.
xx

Creative Writing 1

This is the autobiographical piece I submitted for my course. Hope you like it.

Where is home?


Thursday 5th November 2009

It’s dark tonight, and winter-cold. I stick my nose out of the tiny opening my bedroom window will allow and suck in the fresh air. I am twelve floors up and can see most of Salford from my window. This has been my residence for just over a year and still I don’t see it as home and I don’t think I ever will. There is a smoky scent, bonfires and fireworks, hanging in the air and suddenly I am transported back home, my backgarden to be precise, my gloved hand holding a sparkler whilst my free hand clutches a toffee apple, sticky and rather pointless but its tradition. I usually discard the apple once I have broken through the crystalised toffee layer; I always have since being a child, who wants an apple on a stick?

It’s the little things like this that make me think of home and how much I miss it. To anyone it might seem like a simple matter of hopping on a dingy train and heading back to Blackpool to visit my home and my loving parentals, and ok, I guess it could be that easy if it wasn’t for one little difference. Well, two actually, my niece and nephew. They now live with us permanently due to my brother not making the best choices in life and the choices he has made will affect all of us for a very long time.

The last time I remember feeling the warm fuzziness of contentment inside was Christmas 2008. I was studying Performing Arts at Salford University and despising it. I had been counting the days until Christmas vacation and remember the sense of relief and anticipation as I climbed out of my friend’s car, lugging my dirty laundry through the front door. I was greeted by the scent of festive spices, warmth, Christmas decorations and my mum; arms outstretched waiting to envelop me in a hug. I dissolved into her and didn’t feel sad anymore. I was home.
I curled up on the sofa whilst mum cooked dinner in the kitchen, the first time I had eaten decent food in months, and the first time I had watched television too! TV licences are far too expensive, but I do miss getting dressed to GMTV in the morning. I was late for most of my classes last year because Jeremy Kyle was sometimes too sickening to turn off.

After dinner I soaked in the bathtub, reading a good book, and didn’t emerge until I was suitably wrinkled. As a child I wandered through that awkward phase where you would rather do anything than wash. I didn’t want to brush my teeth, I didn’t want to have a bath and I didn’t want to wash my hair. I still don’t understand why kids go through that, it’s pretty vile. When you have spent time living in Bramall Court, with a shower that switches between ice cold and literally scalding every sixty seconds, it is bliss to come home and soak in the tub. Bubbles galore. Later I climbed into the huge, bouncy bed in the spare room and snuggled up, full of warm fuzzies. The spare room was my bedroom now as Jess (the niece) was living in mine; I didn’t mind that, it’s all pink and girly for her.

Christmas was gorgeous. It always is. Nanny Pearl came to visit, which is extraordinarily rare as she NEVER leaves the home and doesn’t really get dressed either. My dad says Nanny Pearl has been ill ever since he was born yet I think she will last forever. She has outlived three husbands and even attempted an overdose. In the hospital she slowly opened her eyes, looked around and murmured, ‘Oh god. I’m still here.’ She is definitely a character. I just know she would survive a zombie infestation, an alien invasion and the apocalypse, I am sure of it. She has hearing aids that whistle constantly and she never hears a word anyone says, but when you end up shouting because you have repeated the last sentence seven times she chastises you for being rude and shouting at her. I must admit, she was very well behaved on Christmas day as she can sometimes be a little bit of a terror. She even managed to remain polite when Jess and Stuart (the nephew) knocked a cup of tea onto her lap which was followed by Mum tipping a glass of orange juice all over her at the dinner table, by accident of course. It was the warmest, fuzziest three weeks and I’m scared I won’t feel that again.

The four months Summer Holiday break turned out to be a nightmare. Stuart moved in after Easter last year and now, with two young children to suddenly look after and mum being made redundant things have become so much more difficult. There is a tension in the air at home, the misery is tangible and hangs in the air over our heads. An argument is always lurking around the corner, no one means to do it, it’s just difficult to avoid. For me, the worst thing is that it doesn’t feel like my house anymore, I don’t feel comfortable because of the stress and sadness. I don’t have a bedroom. My parents can’t go out for dinner together whenever they want, they can’t go on holiday with their friends (who have now stopped coming round to visit) and my mum can’t afford to treat herself, ever. I know it isn’t the children’s fault but I start to get angry and I am unsure how to deal with it at the moment. Will Christmas be the same this year? Mum has said I can have the spare room again for the three weeks I’m home which is lovely, but will she be happy? Will anyone be happy? All I can do for now is hope and try and stay positive.
 

Blaaaaah.... It's just one of those days..

It's strange how you can have days when you feel positive about everything, nothing can bring you down. Then you have those other days where you feel as though you are carrying the whole work, your knees are shaking and you start to panic, you need to drop it.

You suddenly feel as though you have so much work to do and it's never going to get done.
You miss everyone.
I miss my girlies back home. I hate the fact that I am at uni and should be having the time of my life but really they are probably having a much better time. Boyfriends, friends, work...all gets in the way.

I want to look forward to going home at Christmas, but it seems hard.

Last year I remember how much I wanted to get home, I climbed out of the car, it was dark and cold. I lugged all my laundry into the front room and hugged my mum. The house smelled like Christmas, spicy and warm. Sweet. Tea was cooking on the stove and I couldn't have been happier to be back at home. I had a room to snuggle into, I felt happy.
This year will be different. But I hope not too much. I miss everything. Things keep getting harder. We deserve a break.
I can't even bring myself to write about this in detail because I just get far too angry.

So instead, I am going to tidy up, buy a diet coke and start my essay.
Oh, and have a glorious shower with Lush.

Love.
xx

So Here I Am Again...

Wow! , originally uploaded by Rai CupcakeFace.

Back at the delightful Salford Uni and praying to Freddie that this is a better year than last.

Anyone who knows me will know how much I hated everything last year but now I am back, new bedroom (which is totally gorgeous) and a new course!

English and Creative Writing. Now I don't want to count my chickens of course but so far I already feel so much better on this course that last year and I think...I hope it might turn out ok.

When I moved into my study bedroom there was a parcel waiting!! How fab is that! There was nothing like that last year so that instantly put me into a good mood.

Tonight is my birthday party!!!! Yay!!
There will no doubt be photo's tomorrow!

Much love and Cupcakes
xoxo